The Journey - Part 17

Moving Forward

November 2013

When doing a load of laundry recently (which is a rarity for me at the moment), I noticed most of the clothing consisted of my pajamas. That gives you a glimpse of my fashion sense these days. Actually, I did get dressed to go to my treatments each morning, but would quickly fall back into my comfy pjs when I got home. Extreme exhaustion has overtaken me like the plague. I struggle with feeling like a helpless lazy lug, desperately wanting to do something—other than lay in bed for hours at a time—and coming to grips that it’s just another part of the journey. Patience…it’s hard some days. But God in His ever-present gentleness continues to draw me to Himself and reminds me to wait on Him.

Radiation treatments continued on as scheduled and the doctors had nothing but praise for my positive attitude and progress. I counted down the days, along with many of you on Facebook, and surprisingly they seemed to clip right along. My final treatment was celebrated on November 13—you can bet I have that highlighted on my calendar!

The doctors and nurses cautioned me not to get too excited too soon, as I’ll have to allow for healing time…possibly up to a couple of months. The goal is to begin eating soft foods by mouth within a couple of weeks. I’m hoping my taste buds will kick in, as well, as I’ve been promised some delicious guacamole from my good friend, Kelly, and I certainly don’t want the taste of bitter cardboard getting in the way of one of my favorite foods. (My mom, Dr. Shirley, is ready to stuff a turkey leg down my tube and can’t wait for the day she can feed me again—eek!) When I get to the point of eating full solid meals, I will finally get my feeding tube removed. I have been looking forward to that day for a long time—hey, I’m a stomach sleeper! For those of you who find their sleeping comfort in a similar position, you sympathize with me, I’m sure.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.” Psalm 3:5

If I could ask one prayer request from my warriors this week it would be for healing of the burns on my neck from the radiation/chemo treatments. It began as acne-like blisters and now, although better, is still an annoyance. Each morning and evening, as directed by my doctor, I gently exfoliate my skin, which burns like crazy, and apply cool damp rags followed with a thin layer of Vaseline. (Thank you, Marshall!) It has helped, but is still very painful as my new skin is tight, making if difficult to move freely. I know it’s just another part of the process and will take patience on my part. Thank you so much for your prayers! You are a blessing in so many ways.

The Journey - Part 16

Complaining Much?

October 2013

Week one of radiation went without a hitch. It was midway into week two when I began to experience some changes. My mouth and gums began to get tender, making it difficult to eat solid foods. My diet quickly changed to softer choices—pastas, soups and such. I also began to notice my appetite decreasing because my taste buds were pretty much gone. Everything began to taste like bitter cardboard—that’s the closest thing I can compare it to. Food sounded and looked good, but the thought of putting it in my mouth instantly took away any appetite I may have had. By week three I found myself totally reliant on my feeding tube.

It’s not as bad as it sounds. Eating is a cinch—and since I literally have no appetite, I don’t taste anything going in. And I get the nutrition needed. Because of increased mouth sores and an intense sore throat with swelling, the only thing I drink is water—and that can be difficult at times. My doctors make me promise to swallow at least seven times a day so I don’t lose my swallowing muscle function. Who knew that could happen?—But I guess it can. So I force myself to sip water throughout the day. Anything other than water burns like the dickens. I found that out by accident earlier in the game by sipping on an orange soda—whoa, Nellie, did it ever burn! So for now, this gal is strictly on plain water. I’ve also lost my saliva production, so dry mouth is also an added challenge.

Oh, and did I forget to mention the return of acne? It began on my face for a few days and then miraculously disappeared as fast as it came. A few days later, I awoke with a mass of intense acne blisters surrounding my upper chest/neck—front and back—burning and itching like crazy. It’s lovely. I can thank my chemo drug for that. My new best friend is cortisone…not that it helps much…but it’s what the doctor ordered. Oh the joys. I really have to laugh—or cry—I think I’ve done both. Yup, pretty much.

So…mouth sores, sore throat, feeding tube, acne, dry mouth, dry skin…does it sound like I’m complaining? I’m trying not to—just keeping it real. God has complete control of this journey of mine. I’m just the messenger sharing with all of you how my God of relationships continues to carry me. He really is. I truly have much to be thankful for.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who sustains you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  –Isaiah 46:4

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 15

As I was driving to one of my radiation treatments last week, I felt compelled to share something God brought to my mind.

In the book of Acts, Stephen (a man full of faith and the Holy Spirit, specifically chosen by the disciples to minister to the neglected widows) boldly spoke truth to his enemies, the Sanhedrin, as they were about to stone him to death.

“When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God.” Acts 7:54-55

I had always overlooked one small, but very powerful word in this scripture. It was brought to my attention from a previous bible study I had done several years ago. The word is “standing.” I had always pictured Jesus sitting at the right hand of God, but in this instance, He was standing. As Stephen was preparing to meet his death, he looked expectantly to the heavens. And maybe as his eyes met the compassionate eyes of Jesus, it was possible at that very moment Compassion slowly stood with a burning stance--His eyes never leaving the draw of Stephen's. I can envision Jesus intently leaning into the side of God pleading, “Father, let me go and fight for him! Just say the word!”

I’d like to think that as my Jesus of compassion looks down from heaven, He still stands passionately by God’s right hand and pleads for me during my difficult times saying, “Father, let me go and fight for her! Just say the word!”

God does say the word—and has many times.

He said “Go” to many of you when I could barely get dressed each morning and needed help getting to my chemo treatments each week.

He said “Go” to my church family when meals were lovingly planned and brought to our home each week.

He said “Go” and friends would gather in our home to pray over me during difficult parts of my journey.

He said “Go” and I would receive an encouraging card in the mail, a special text, Facebook message or phone call that gave me hope to carry on.

All God had to say was “Go” and many of you were ready and willing to fight, pray and go. You are a huge part of my testimony and I am forever grateful.

I am counting down the days of my radiation treatments—as are many of you, as I’ve noticed your wonderful support on Facebook (you crazy, awesome friends). As of today, I have endured 28 prayerful days of radiation with only 7 remaining! It has gone fast—honestly! I can only attribute it to being bathed in prayer by you, my faithful prayer warriors.

So with that said, let me continue on and catch you up on my journey.

Radiation—The Next Step

September 2013

Nothing can really prepare you for the unknown—totally. I read books, asked questions, and studied brochures until quite honestly, I didn’t want to hear all the horror stories of what “could happen” any longer. I decided this was going to be another “one day at a time” journeys in faith—as it should be.

In a previous post I shared about my radiation mask experience and how I wasn’t prepared for the claustrophobic shock it gave me. I quickly realized it was important to gather a game plan and decided to commit the 20 minutes of radiation to prayer time. It’s actually quite peaceful. There are some days I don’t get through my “prayer list” and wish I had an extra 10 minutes or so on the radiation altar. But that doesn’t limit my prayer time with God. I am constantly talking to Him about many of you.

Unlike chemotherapy, the radiation process does not make me nauseous. Even though I have a chemo treatment every Wednesday during the radiation schedule, it is a different drug, and much more forgiving—thank you, Jesus! By now, my appetite has increased to normal and I eat pretty much what I’m hungry for. The plan is to “beef up”—as my doctors have promised much change is coming down the road.

“Father, let me go and fight for her! Just say the word!”

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 14

This past week I gave up my day job for awhile. It was a difficult decision for several reasons: It gave me a reason to get dressed every day. It allowed me to be around people that I love seeing. And it kept me active, thinking about others instead of myself. Cancer can be quite self-absorbing if you let it. And I have at times. Through the process of radiation, I get tired a lot easier and I think God was saying “Take care of yourself.” So please excuse me in the FBC office for a season as I do just so. J

Stick a Fork in It…I’m Done!

August 2013

I’m happy to report I have completed my official full nine week round of chemotherapy! Just when I thought I’d get a trophy, or something worthy of bragging rights, the medical team reminded me of the second part of the process. “You get a hiatus of about a month, then gear up for round 2: Seven weeks of Radiation with Chemo.” Oh joy.

I can honestly say this journey of cancer has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Just when I would throw in the towel (believe me I did, more times than I care to admit), God, in His infinite mercy would prompt some amazing person to send me a text, email or card in the mail for encouragement. I can’t tell you how many times I bawled like a baby reading a comforting scripture, listening to the perfect song or receiving some inspiration from friends like you to lift my spirits. How people go through something like this without the power of praying people is beyond me. God has permanently etched more compassion in my heart, and I’ve already had opportunities to express empathy toward others.

It truly is all about relationships.

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 13

I am now a full-time stomach tube eater! And truthfully, it’s been easier than I thought it would be. I don’t know if my brain has taken over my food cravings…or God—I’m trusting that it’s God. Certain foods smell and look good, but with intense mouth and throat sores along with dry mouth being the norm this week—the thought of putting anything besides water in my mouth repels me. Swallowing water has even been difficult. I’ve also developed an itchy rash across my upper chest…it’s just lovely (insert sarcasm here). I don’t know if the rash is a normal thing, so the doctor and I will have words at my appointment tomorrow.

Please do not mistake this as a pity party—it’s not. I’ve had a few of those already, and decided they’re not as fulfilling as they claim to be. As always, God continues to reveal His marvelous love by carrying me each step of the way.

Hey, I only have 17 days left of treatment—Praise God for His faithfulness and YOU!

Second Verse—Not the Same as the First

Week 2 of chemo treatments came and thankfully we had a better game plan. Nausea medication was administered every 6 hours around the clock regardless. It helped through day 3 and then the dreaded nausea/vomiting set in once again. I was determined to stay out of the hospital and forced myself to sip any kind of fluids my stomach would allow. I was also blessed to have my sister from Arizona with me during the week and she made sure my stomach tube was put into action…whether I wanted it or not.

Being fed through a stomach tube is interesting. Even though you can’t taste what you’re ingesting, you feel it there. And your stomach still has the option to accept or reject the feeding. Although difficult at times, it was mostly accepted. In hindsight, thanks Becci…you make a great nurse!

By Saturday, I could see the light…God had carried me through the dark tunnel once again. Thank you, Jesus! I had one more week down, which encouraged me to continue to plod forward.

I read something recently saying “God’s strength is enough. But you have to get to the end of yours to learn that.” That spoke volumes to me. I’m trying to relinquish my “strength” more willingly because I know there is no comparison to God’s. Some days it’s hard. I forget, get distracted or most often, lose my focus of my relationship with Him. Sometimes I envision God sitting with his head in his hands wondering if I’ll EVER get it. But praise God, He is always faithful to draw me back into the comforting shadow of His wings.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.—Psalm 17:8

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 12

Update: Radiation is in full swing and I’m happy to report I’ve completed over 1/3 of my 35 treatments! Yeah! Some of the side effects are beginning to make their ugly appearances…mouth sores, loss of taste and appetite. I think the hardest thing I’m dealing with is the loss of taste. Everything that may look and sound delicious instantly turns to a bitter cardboard taste when I put it in my mouth. Blech! It’s a mental challenge to eat…such a foreign concept to me…and hard to fully explain. And I am now to the point of utilizing my stomach tube more often than not. I never realized how important every detail of God’s design in us was. Even to the point of a mere taste bud.

But…I am encouraged! My doctor says I am doing fantastic, and keeping a positive attitude is a huge part of the battle. I am grateful for all of you that are journeying with me. I find peace knowing I am not alone. God, you and me. Thank you.

Cancer is Not for Sissies. They Weren’t Kidding.

What happened in the days following my diagnosis were mostly a blur. Numerous doctor visits, blood work, procedures and scans. We were inundated with a lot of foreign medical jargon…some sunk in, most didn’t. Bottom line: Chemotherapy and radiation treatments would be necessary. “The cancer is aggressive and so will the treatments”—the strongest of medications would be administered.

After a successful portacath surgery the week before, my chemo treatments began on Monday, July 15, 2013 at 8:30 a.m. in Winfield, Kansas. The plan was to make the daily trek, Monday through Friday for one week of treatment—get two weeks off to rest—another week of chemo—two weeks off—then one final round. I was also “hooked up” with a pump that allowed the drugs to be dispensed into my system 24/7 during my treatment weeks. An awkward adjustment to carry around and sleep with, but I made it work. A radiation/chemo treatment combo would follow later.

As week one began, the nurses gave me all of the paperwork explaining procedures, expectations, etc. They got me comfortable in “the chair”, hooked me up and so it began. Each treatment took about 4 hours a day. By the end of day 2 of chemo, my nausea overtook my appetite like an out of control riverbed swelling at its banks. It raged viciously with nausea and vomiting, rendering me sorely dehydrated. I couldn’t make myself eat or drink anything. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep—hoping the pain and nausea would subside. It didn’t. By the end of the week while vomiting in my “chemo chair”, the nurses called my doctor and he fixed me up with a two night hospital stay getting the much needed IV fluids to get me back on track. Thank you, Jesus—finally, some relief! It was then I realized why they have the two week hiatus between treatments. I had to learn the hard way—of course.

Since my first week of treatments had gone so badly, the doctors decided it was wise to have a stomach tube inserted to make certain proper nutrition could be better administered if needed. I was told earlier by my doctors this would probably be needed “down the road”—most likely during radiation treatments. It became obvious, the sooner the better for me. Before I left my 3-day hospital stay on Sunday, I was scheduled the following day for the outpatient procedure. The surgery to insert the stomach tube went well—and by the end of the week I slowly began to get my strength back with a gradual increase in appetite. When I would get discouraged about being tired, my daughter would remind me, “Mom, you’ve had 2 outpatient surgeries, 1 full week of chemo and a 3-day hospital stay all within a week and a half. It’s going to take time.” She was right, of course.

Throughout this week of hardships, I was reminded of Job and his sufferings. In all of his trials, he refused to stop fighting for his life. He refused to stop being faithful. He refused to stop believing God loved him. Job made a choice to continue trusting in God.  He had a relationship that was worth fighting for—one that was faithful—loving—and trustworthy. It was all about the relationship. Father God, I will rest in You.

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 11

Trust and Obey - There’s No Other Way

It was June of 2013, and along with many others, I suffered the dreaded allergy plague. After battling a persistent sore throat, I finally caved and went to the doctor for the usual strep test. It was, of course, negative—so with a slightly swollen gland, I was prescribed an antibiotic and sent on my way. After several days, I felt much better, but my gland remained swollen. A week later, I had my usual monthly follow-up appointment with my cancer doctor. After a quick examination, he expressed concern in finding a lump in my right neck gland. A needle biopsy and CT scan were scheduled as soon as possible.

I decided if I had to go to Wichita for a biopsy, the entire day should not be wasted. It’s the law. So the trip of gloom was turned into a mother/daughter day—my mom, myself and my daughter—a three generation affair. We enjoyed a nice lunch and successfully swimsuit shopped at Kohls. Last stop planned, of course, was the doctor’s office. Our waiting room stay was short, and before long we were all ushered into the all-too-familiar little room to await the doctor. Almost immediately he entered with his usual handshake and pleasant introductions ready to proceed. Before he began the biopsy, I asked, “Doctor, do you believe in the power of prayer?” Without hesitation he stated, “Yes, I most certainly do. Prayer is very powerful.” “Good" I said—"because I’ve got a lot of people praying for me right now.” With that assurance, I tilted my head past the doctor to wink at my mom and daughter and said, “Let’s do this!” Everything went smoothly as planned, and before we knew it, we were out the door and on our way home.

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The day before my biopsy follow-up appointment, I awoke at 2:48 a.m. early Monday morning. I heard God whisper, “It’s back.” My heart replied, “Really? What do you want me to do?” And God said, “Trust Me.”

The next day, the doctor’s tests confirmed what God had already told me—my cancer had returned.

To truly know the journey, you have to experience it for yourself. Let me honestly say, I thank God almost every day for the path He has me on right now. In the midst of my struggles, tears and pain, my Savior continues to draw me to Himself—every single time without fail. He has given me a heart of compassion and empathy that surpasses all understanding while increasing my level of trust and faith beyond description.
Do I like having cancer? No.
Do I enjoy daily struggles? No.
Do I find unexplainable rest and peace as I am continually drawn into the arms of my loving Savior? Yes!
Who else can do that but our Almighty God?

To be continued…