The Journey - Part 10

I began my first of 35 radiation treatments last Wednesday—so far, so good. The expected side effects have not reared their ugly heads as of yet. And the once-a-week chemo treatments have fared well, with only mild uneasiness periodically. Nausea medications along with keeping my stomach fuelled have been tremendously effective.

This is a picture of my “mask” that I wear during the radiation treatment.

The first time they put it on me, honestly, it totally freaked me out. I repeatedly breathed the name of Jesus (reverently, of course) at least 50 times to calm down. I’m not normally claustrophobic, but this feeling of entrapment overwhelmingly caught me by surprise. The mask is a plastic web-like mold of my face. During treatments, my “spidey mask”, as I call it, is clamped tight to the table, preventing me from moving during the radiation process. I quickly realized I needed a “game plan” if I was going to be able to get through the 15 minutes of daily confinement. And of course, God, in His goodness supplied the plan. So each weekday morning at 8:45am, while strapped to the radiation altar, I approach God’s throne with my prayer petitions and offer my altar of praise for many of you. Be blessed, my friends. You are adored.

Second Chances Face-To-Faith

Mid spring of 2013, I received a text from my friend “T” saying her relative “E” would be coming to Ark City for the weekend. She said “no pressure”, but if I felt led to stop by her home, to please do so anytime. This would be my chance to finally meet “E” face-to-face and continue to sow that small seed of opportunity. God wasn’t finished with “E”, and strangely, I knew I was somehow to be a part of His plan. I immediately began to think about what I would say and how our conversation might go. I even quickly scanned my EE tract for a quick recall of bible salvation verses—and then fear set in. I’ve already spoken to him…what more can I say? What will we talk about?—I don’t want this to be awkward. Seriously God, is this really what you want me to do? The enemy had me right where he wanted…doubting, fearful and thinking about me, myself and I. So once again God had to remind me, “It’s not about you, Jacque. It’s about a relationship. I’m asking you to be obedient. Just go.” And so I did.

On my way to “T’s” home, I decided to stop and get my girlfriend a batch of fresh flowers—not only as a friendly gesture, but to draw away any suspicion to my out-of-the-blue “drop-in” visit, if needed. (Silly, I know, but I think of these kinds of things.) “T” greeted me at her door with a huge smile. She had no idea if I was coming, but I could tell she was more than delighted to see me. We immediately went to the kitchen where the family was having supper. The introductions began. First “E”—we exchanged hellos and politely shook hands—a little awkward. Then I turned to his parents who were also visiting. I was immediately embraced warmly by them, saying how happy they were to meet me and that they’d been praying for me. Now mind you, I’d never met them before—but from the outpouring of joy on their faces, honestly, you would have thought we were family. I immediately wondered what “E” was thinking while observing of all of the warm introductions. (Again, some of the oddities I think of.)

After the family finished dinner, the guys went outside for their “man time” while the ladies stayed inside for clean up duty. “T” and I had a nice visit and before long I felt it was time to leave—but not before seeing “E” one last time. God had given me this opportunity…and I still had words!

“T” and I went outside, and as we approached the group I began to tell “E” once again, how happy it was to have finally met him. There was only a slight pause in the conversation, when all of a sudden “E” began to talk. He began sharing some of his past treatment experiences, hurdles he had overcome and the future ahead. It warmed my heart to hear him talk so openly. I knew God was right there—and I just listened, waiting and praying for another divine appointment. The moments passed, conversation slowed, and I sensed the door of opportunity closing all too quickly. As I silently prayed for the right words to say, I ended our visit by saying once again, how strong my faith in God was—how He’d brought me through a very successful surgery and continues to strengthen me on the road to recovery. I also said I admired "E's" strength and honesty and would be praying for him during his journey of recovery--and hope we’d meet again someday. He actually thanked me this time! In some strange way, I felt we had bonded.

As I turned to leave, I prayed in my heart that God wouldn’t give up on “E”. God said, “Just go.” So I did. And through that, I had a second chance to share my relationship with God to a man that so desperately needs a Savior—finally, face to faith.

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 9

I devoted my entire weekend playing with my grandsons. We went to the park and played hard. I watched them run and kick footballs with their daddy and grandpa, saw the excitement in their eyes as “Shrek the kite” flew high and low in the sky, ate ice cream cones behind mom and dad’s backs, watched movies snuggled in bed and loved on the cats...which they both adore. (The cats adore all the “loving” from the grandsons? Hmmm…not so much…but they’re good kitty sports.) Such a great weekend! God is amazing. Can I say that again? God is amazing! I will never be able to thank Him enough for all He has done for me.

This week I begin the radiation process of my journey. Wednesday is the big day, so prayers are appreciated. I’ve got my trust and faith bar set high and God is there—no doubt in my mind. God is good—all the time! He’s got this…and me.

A Year of Celebrations and New Beginnings

Since my surgery was on October 17, that left a 3-week recovery window for me before our daughter, Lindsay and future son-in-law, Matt’s wedding. Before the surgery, my doctor assured me I would be at the wedding. He just couldn’t promise how involved I would be. Our entire family had enjoyed each step of the wedding planning for months, and in an instant, cancer was seemingly trying to steal our joy in the last bit of crucial wedding preparations. But through the incredible outpouring of love and help of many, many wonderful friends, the wedding went on without fail. It was an absolute answer to prayer and beautiful beyond what we could’ve imagined. We will never be able to fully thank our friends for how they blessed our family with their countless acts of kindness. It was a beautiful celebration of new beginnings—in more ways than one.

The year 2012 was full of memories. We added a precious grandson, celebrated a beautiful wedding and endured cancer. A lot of good, some bad—but with our merciful God, we got through it. So all-in-all, life in the Ramirez household began to settle in as normal once again.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”
–Ecclesiastes 3:1

To be continued…



Me and my boys, Isaac and Noah...love them!



The Journey - Part 8

This week brought back some normalcy. I was able to get back in the saddle at FBC for a few half days during the week and even take a weekend road trip to Stillwater, OK to visit family. It felt SO good! And thanks to Frankie for filling in for me all these weeks at FBC. She has been an absolute jewel for taking care of everything—and doing a great job!

I’ll be starting a “loading” day of chemo this coming Wednesday—and the following Wednesday my seven weeks of radiation will begin—in addition to chemo once a week.

A lot of unknowns with this next round of treatment…but I do know…
He knows the plans
He knows my sorrows
He carries me
He rescued my soul
He is faithful
He is…and so much more.

Lord, let me never, never outlive my love for you.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News…

Well, the day for surgery, October 17, 2012 had arrived. My bags were packed and ready to go. I was prayed up and knew without a doubt my intercessors were along side of me. I felt the peace that so many experienced and testified about. Pastors Dave and Steve met us at the hospital in Wichita for prayer right before they wheeled me into the pre-op room. The “operating team” individually came in, explained procedures and asked if I had any questions. I had a few before they gave me my “cocktail”, as the nurse called it—and then I was out. The next thing I remember, I was in my hospital bed surrounded by smiling family. Someone told me I woke up talking—with my first words: “I love you” and “God is good.” Although I don’t remember saying anything, I was relieved it wasn’t something crazy or embarrassing like some stories you hear. And actually, I wasn’t even guaranteed I would be able to talk. So that was a definite praise!

I was told the surgery went well. The doctor was able to remove the entire tumor (about the size of a penny), but did cut through some of the margins. After the tests revealed the margin was not in the “clear range”, he went back and removed a little more. During the surgery process, they were able to “re-shape” my tongue, so besides the stitches and swelling, it actually looked quite normal. All-in-all, the doctor reported to my family he felt very confident with the surgery outcome and everything went well.

The next couple of days were a blur. I was told a retired priest stopped by my room playing “The Theme of the Godfather” on his accordion for my enjoyment. At that point I was on morphine, and sorry to report, I don’t recall any of it—although, it would’ve been a hoot to hear. Just the thought made me giggle. Eating was somewhat of a challenge with a swollen tongue, but on day four they finally decided they’d had enough of me and gave me the boot. Still heavily medicated, I vaguely remember the ride home. But thankfully, I was in no pain.

A couple of days, later my doctor called with good news. All of the lymph nodes they removed from my neck dissection—all 48 of them—were cancer free. In other words, the cancer that was removed was contained and did not spread. We were elated, to say the least.

During my post-op visit, Doctor further explained the “safe margins rule” in removing the tumor and its significance. Because the margins were cut into, he wanted me to get second opinions from radiation and chemotherapy doctors—to see if they felt further treatments were necessary. So…more doctor appointments and visits were made. Finally after seeing the last doctor, they all three conferred: no further treatments would be necessary. The weight lifted from my entire body at that moment was indescribable. We celebrated at Longhorn’s Steakhouse where I was able to eat a delicious bowl of macaroni and cheese. It never tasted so good!

To be continued…

The Journey - Part 7

Bounce Back Week!

I wasn’t expecting a lesson on patience this week, but obviously God thought I needed one. My returning appetite was slow and sporadic, which was very discouraging. My head said “eat” while my stomach could care less. I quickly learned that if anything sounded good in the moment, I’d better eat immediately, because the craving would leave as fast as it came. Thank goodness for 3:00 a.m. watermelon binges, popsicle frenzies and chicken soup made by my fabulous sister-in-law, Suzanne. They sustained my weary innards.

I also am learning that every day is a new day with this cancer thing. Emotions go nuts. You feel tired, unproductive and, yes, as much as I hate to admit it...irritable. I even snapped at my diva cat, Suki, one day. She forgave me after some self-indulged sulking – on my part. I’m like that…sometimes.

But thank goodness for a faithful God and answered prayers. My strength is returning, and with God and my prayer warriors I’m “womaning” up for the next battle coming within the next couple of weeks! So grab your sword and shield and let’s do this.

I’m Coming Back to the Heart of Worship,
And It’s All About You, It’s All About You, Lord.

If you’re wondering about my singing status, let me share with you how God transformed my heart from what I thought was important, into a restored affection toward Him.

As I shared in an earlier post, as long as I can remember music was a huge part of my life. So much so, I realized I had let music define who I was. God created me for the sole purpose of glorifying Him and He knew if my relationship wasn’t right with Him, my heart would most likely become bitter when cancer literally stole the ability to sing from me. I believe He was preparing me ahead of time—way before the cancer began, to give me the opportunity to let go on my own what I thought was important. I’m not going to lie, it was very difficult. Each Sunday, instead of being on stage helping lead, I would sing with the congregation, quietly filling in that missing harmony part that I thought was so desperately needed. People would constantly say, “Why aren’t you singing anymore?” “We sure miss you up there!” “You should be up there with your daughter singing!” It was hard because I really didn’t have an answer. I only knew God had asked me to step down.

Months went by, but eventually by God’s grace, I can tell you He literally took the desire to “need to sing” from me. My love of true worship had returned--refreshed and renewed. God changed my heart to honor Him long before the cancer had a chance to destroy my relationship with Him! There are no words to humanly explain how that happened, but I do know that I am in awe of my Creator and how He orchestrated all of this beforehand. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to sing like I had before, and honestly, that’s okay. God transformed my desire of the need to sing and restored it with a love for a need to worship—just me and God—solidifying that relationship thing once again.

“I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.” Psalm 104:33

To be continued…

Below is a link to a slideshow that my daughter, Lindsay made of me. Some of my incredible friends (pictured below, as well) showered me with a "Bling it up from Head to Lobe" party. This was my "thank you" to them, showcasing the awesome hats, jewelry, scarves, etc...but I extend it to all of you, as well, for all of your prayers. Friendship truly is a blessing!

 

Friendship is a Blessing

The Journey - Part 6

I reached a milestone this week. These past seven weeks, three rounds of chemo chemicals invaded my body like a wild banshee and I’m relieved to have it all behind me. My sweet care-giving nurses said “This isn’t for sissies” and I’m here to tell you, they were right! One full round of treatment down with seven weeks of radiation/chemo to follow within the next few weeks. Your prayers have covered me, carried me and blessed me beyond words. Again, I thank you.

I received a wonderful card in the mail this week that I read and re-read. “Jehovah-Jireh: PROVIDER, Jehovah-Nissi: BATTLE FIGHTER, Jehovah-Shalom: GIVER OF PEACE, Jehovah-Rophe: HEALER, Jehovah-Tsidkenn: OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS, Jehovah-Shammah: EVER PRESENT ONE, Jehovah-Rohi: GOOD SHEPHERD. God is your STRENGTH, FRIEND, WISDOM, HOPE, SECURITY, GUIDE, JOY, PROVIDER, HELP, DEFENDER, PEACE, COUNSELOR, LIFE. All that He is, He is for you.” Thank you, Marilynn, if you’re reading this. It gave me strength and wonderful encouragement during the battle.

I guess if I have a specific prayer request this week, it would be to regain my appetite. I never knew how hard it would be to force myself to eat. I still battle some nausea, and have lost a lot of my taste senses, so that makes it even harder to enjoy anything worthwhile. It’s not easy bein’ green. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

 

Draw me close to You
Never let me go…

When “E” answered the phone I quickly introduced myself, and was pleased that he had remembered my name from “T’s” conversation with him. Basically our 30 minute chat focused on his treatments, health concerns and daily ups and downs. Mainly he talked and I listened—which worked as a great balance in concealing my nervousness.

But all too soon, I felt the conversation was coming to an end, and I hadn’t yet had “the spiritual talk” I had so deeply desired to communicate. So finally I said, “You know “E”, I’m so happy that your treatments are going well for you. But I want you to know my faith in God is strong and I’ve already prayed about my decision to have the surgery. I have complete peace that God is leading me in this direction. Is there anything I can pray for, for you?” “E’s” immediate response was, “No, don’t worry about me. You just take care of yourself and get better.” That was pretty much it. I felt I had said what God had intended—and the door of witness opportunity closed—bam. To conclude our conversation, I mentioned if he ever came to Ark City, I’d hope to meet him face to face someday. I think he said that’d be good—I don’t quite remember. But through this incredible opportunity it was certainly clear; God had placed me in a position to share, if just a little, about my faith. And God was not finished with “E”.

All of this isn’t coincidence. And it certainly isn’t any of my doing. God didn’t ask me to give up co-leading a women’s bible study that I dearly loved—then immediately answer my prayer to attend another and be asked to pray for a man’s salvation and healing I’d never met—end up having the same type of cancer as this man I’d been praying for, for months—and have the chance to visit with this stranger—plant a seed about God and my faith, for nothing. Not a chance!

Up to this point, I couldn’t understand why God would allow cancer in my life. But if it was for the single purpose of a lost soul to hear about what faith can do—a man that God loves so deeply, He would go to great lengths to draw him to Himself in a personal relationship…and I just happen to be a minuscule speck of God’s divine drawing plan, then so be it! None of this would’ve ever happened if I hadn’t been willing to give up helping with the ladies bible study first—none of it! And God knew that. He drew me to Himself, presented the opportunity and waited for me at the crossroads to be obedient. It was all about the relationship.

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. –Jeremiah 31:3

If I have ever experienced the hand of God drawing me on a specific path, it has certainly been through this remarkable journey. Those little promptings…nudges…gentle whispers? That’s Him drawing—and waiting—and drawing and waiting. For the sole purpose of us to experience that unfailing, perfect relationship with Him. Oh, how He loves us so. Lord Jesus, draw me close.

To be continued…