Sunday, August 25, 2013

The Journey - Part 5

This week should've been my "bounce back" week, but the stomach flu grabbed me a couple days. Although it was a bit discouraging, I was pleased to have been able to work 2 half days this week. It was refreshing to get out and do something...and see people! Yeah!

Monday I begin my final full round of chemo. I can't tell you how blessed I have been by all the positive comments and prayers lifted to the throne on my behalf. God is surely in my midst and as always, I covet your prayers. You are a faithful people.
(If you haven't read any of my earlier posts, the following may not make much sense. Feel free to "click" on the links to the right to update or refresh yourself as you continue with me on my journey.)

Coincidence: Something that happens by chance in a surprising or remarkable way.
This part of my journey happened by chance? No.
Surprising and remarkable? Absolutely!

When I emailed the details of the cancer to my Friday bible study friend, “T”, she immediately contacted me. Come to find out, her relative, “E”—the one we were praying for during our Friday bible study time—had the exact type of cancer as me. “T” and I had never talked about the official medical term before, and she even called “E” to verify the correct name. “T” and I were astonished. All of these months I’d been earnestly praying for a man I had never met—and now I have the same cancer. This was so surreal to me. I didn’t know what God’s plan was, but I was pretty sure whatever it was, I was going to be part of it.
In talking with her relative, “T” mentioned me and our similar circumstances. “E” told her if I ever wanted to visit with him on the phone about his treatment (he was receiving special radiation treatments in a facility out of state), he would be happy to talk with me. Knowing he was not a believer and adamantly against anything God related, I knew without a doubt God had to be up to something. I began to pray—just a little bit (just keeping it real here) about how or if God wanted me to proceed. And then I quickly tucked my unanswered prayer and his phone number away—not thinking much about it for awhile.
The days quickly passed, and the Monday before my surgery, God tugged at my heart once again. It’s time, He said. Your surgery is in 2 days—you may not be able to talk for awhile afterwards. It’s time to call “E”—call him tonight. Of what little I knew of “E”, I did know he was extremely resistant to anything spiritual or God-centered, so once again, I began to pray. If God really wanted me to call him, I didn’t want it to be just a social call. This was serious stuff—eternal stuff—and it had to be bathed in prayer and by divine appointment only. So that Monday evening, with my Evangelism Explosion tract in hand and bible by my side, I prayed for God’s wisdom as I nervously punched in his number.

Then Moses said to the LORD, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue. –Exodus 4:9-11
Throughout this journey, I’ve tried not to question God. But this incident had me completely baffled. I was not one that easily shared my faith…yes, I have all the right “equipment”, but sadly it had not been intentionally used in a long time. I wanted to pull the “slow of speech” Moses card and wave it at God, begging for a more suitable substitute. But ultimately, I knew this journey was a relationship issue, and not just for “E”, but for me, as well. And of course God knew that—because He is God.

To be continued…

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Dear Jesus...

Mom has been experiencing a lot of nausea since Wednesday. As I took her to her treatment in Winfield, I could see the discomfort in Mom’s face. The feelings of wanting to help but not being able to “fix” it make my heart ache. If only I had an “easy” button! My only defense against her nausea is prayer. I sat there in the clinic half-halfheartedly reading a book until I noticed I had been reading the same sentence over and over again. Needless to say, I wasn't very focused :-)
I eventually put down the book and began praying, but all I could manage to say in my heart was “Dear Jesus... Dear Jesus...”
 
I grew up in church. I've been around “church lingo”. When push comes to shove, I can gather up all my Christianese and pray a rather eloquent prayer- if I want to. Fortunately, our Father in Heaven could care less about fancy words. He cares about the heart. It sure is a good thing because “Dear Jesus... Dear Jesus” doesn't cut it in the eloquence department! The amazing thing is, my Jesus knows my heart. He knows every burden I carry. The creator of this entire universe can hear “Dear Jesus” and wrap his loving arms around me and comfort me. Romans 8:26 says,

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans

 
 
In my groans, God answered my prayers. He put on your hearts to pray for Mom. For me. Two words. Dear Jesus. He knew what was needed and you, Mom’s faithful prayer warriors listened to God’s prompting. Can you see the reason for my tears now? :-) I am blessed beyond measure.
 
Thank you for reading my first attempt at blogging- I’m praying (or should I say wordlessly groaning?) Mom will feel up writing again very soon! In the meantime, I humbly ask for a few specific things to add to your prayer list. Mom’s nausea- Please pray she will be able to keep food and fluids down so she can keep up her strength. Mom has tried eating but hasn't been able to keep anything down. They had to give her extra fluids today and will again tomorrow because they don’t want to risk dehydration. I also ask that you pray for the wonderful nurses that care for Mom and so many others that are receiving treatment. They are wonderful ladies and I pray they are able to figure out how to control the nausea! She is taking her anti-nausea medicine on a more consistent basis now. Hopefully it will get in her system quickly and calm her stomach so she can eat and drink. One last thing, please keep my Grandma Shirley in your prayers. Many of you know my Grandmother and if you don’t, you are missing out! I know I feel helpless sometimes- I can only imagine how it would be to watch your child go through this. She is getting, in her own words, “quite an education” through all of this and my heart hurts that she has to at all! I must say she’s one tough cookie, though! Ask her about liver. I dare you :-)
 
We will update you soon on Mom’s progress. Week one is almost through! God is so good. ALL the time.

Lindsay

This New Thing

Wow, what a journey I am on right now! If you are new to "me" and have not heard my story, then pull up a chair and a big glass of iced tea. This may take a while...or at least several posts.

Since my cancer diagnosis in 2012, I have been overwhelmed by wonderful people like you, telling me they have been praying for me. With the prompting of a dear friend, I recently sent out a Facebook / Email plea asking for serious prayer warriors who would be willing to pray for me -- specifically during cancer treatments, doctor appointments, or just rough days in general. Honestly, I was not expecting the massive response I received. It literally took days to soak in all the incredibly encouraging comments. And let's just say, there may have been a soaked Kleenex or two as I responded to each one with gratefulness.

This cancer thing is new to me. Not knowing what lies ahead in the days to come, and to simplify updating my prayer warriors, I was encouraged to begin a blog at the prodding of my daughter, Lindsay. I never imagined I would be a "blogger" of sorts, or have anything in particular that people would be interested in reading. I had written a few life events off the cuff now and then--but only on a whim or the occasional melancholy day. So after some serious prayer time...God began to reveal a bigger purpose for this blog and how He could use my testimony for His glory. That is so like God. I was reminded, as I am many times, it's not about me. And it's not about cancer. It's about a right relationship with the Lord.

Through this blog, I hope you will journey with me as I share how, just in these last few years, God has worked in my life. I will share my "hindsight" of seeing the hand of God weaving in my life, preparing me for this specific journey that I'm going through right now, and how He continues to show Himself -- Faithful and True. It's pretty incredible, actually. I will also be posting updates and prayer requests...and an occasional "silly" now and then.

Please know that your kind words continue to be an encouragement to me, and I am humbly honored by your fervent prayers in His name.
Jacque

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Journey - Part 4

This week brought out a side of me that I don’t handle well: Uncontrolled emotion. I found myself several times weeping and saying to God, “I think you chose the wrong person here, God. I’m weak. I don’t have the strength to get through this. I hate being a burden. I stumble—I fail—I disappoint. It’s just too much!” And God, in the gentle calmness of his Spirit whispered, “My dear child, this season of life may be difficult at times, and most certainly you will not always embrace my ways. Even so, Jacque, I chose you. Not because you are strong. For if you were already strong, then how would my glory be revealed? Lean into me for strength and continue to tell them. Tell them of the faithfulness of our relationship, always reminding them of the great things I have done.” So once again, I wiped my eyes and leaned into Him for the promised strength. It came, just as He had promised. And the journey continues.

Cancer is not a respecter of persons. It can strip dignity, induce pain and will even try to forcefully separate the weak from the strong. But nothing can separate us from the love of God.

My return appointment couldn’t come soon enough. And within the week we found ourselves in the exam room once again. Without the usual small talk, he came right to the point, “It’s what I suspected. It’s cancer.” That dark, repulsive word that no one wanted to hear, but on that September fall day, it hit me head-on. Stage 2 Squamous Cell Carcinoma was the medical term – a form of skin cancer. At the moment, it didn’t mean anything to me – all I heard was that ugly word, cancer.
Oddly enough, I was in the lowest of the low percentile for this type of cancer. I didn’t smoke, drink, or chew. The doctor explained this type of cancer was predominant in more careless lifestyles and also in men—go figure. Even though the news was a devastating blow, complete peace surrounded me. I had prepared myself beforehand through prayer, along with my intercessors, to absorb the news clearly and to be able to consider all the options with grace. And it was so.
Basically I was given two options with the diagnosis: radiation treatment or surgery to remove the tumor and safe margins, which would include the removal of approximately 1/3 of my tongue. Along with surgery option, a neck dissection would also be necessary removing some lymph nodes to check for spreading cancer cells. That was it. The doctor was blatantly honest. He cautioned that if I chose radiation treatment, the oral cavity was one of the worst areas to treat, wreaking havoc in the mouth. While surgery to remove the tumor was his preferred option, ultimately it was our decision. I argued that we were mid-stream into planning my daughter’s wedding that would be in 6 weeks and wanted to consider waiting until afterwards. He cautioned not waiting; it was cancer and aggressive—time was of the essence. We left his office saying we needed time to pray and talk with our family and would call with our decision soon. I immediately contacted my family and updated my prayer partners of our devastating news. After much prayer and consideration, that night we decided surgery was the best option—the sooner the better. I called to schedule my appointment the next day. Because it would require two surgeons to perform a partial glossectomy and neck dissection, the earliest surgery date available was October 17—a wait of almost three weeks. Waiting was the hardest. It consumed my thoughts and weathered my confidence, but God's unwavering compassion continued to embrace me in the storm.
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. –Isaiah 40:31
Teach me Lord, to wait on You. I yearn for Your renewed strength. You are my Everything as I wait and lean into You.
To be continued…

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Journey - Part 3

It seems I’ve asked God for a lot this week. Strength to overcome nausea, desperately pleading to be able to drink one more sip of water when I didn’t think I could, or down another blasted can of nutrition drink. Even with a feeding tube it can be difficult. Inwardly overwhelmed by my second round of treatment, the blessed reprieve arrived. Once again I finally found the strength to turn toward His face and thank Him for another week complete, and another opportunity to give Him the glory. I hope you’ve experienced a portion of His goodness this week as much as I have.


God’s sovereignty: Sometimes there is no other apparent explanation, except that God chooses to do so for the glory of His Son, simply because He is God.
For years, I had been plagued with reoccurring sores on my tongue, chalking it up to hormones, stress-related flare ups, etc. Aside from having to limit my spicy food cravings periodically, I’d handled the menaces fairly well. It was one of those things I just learned to live with. It was in the early fall of 2012, when I began to notice some swelling on the right side of my tongue. Another sore had formed and was persistently irritated, making it difficult to chew and swallow food easily. So when my family doctor suggested I see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, there was some concern. An appointment was quickly made and in the days following, the hubby and I made the hour drive to Wichita.
Entering the doctor’s office, we were greeted with the familiar insurance paperwork procedures, and shortly thereafter were led by the nurse to the exam room. It didn’t take long for the doctor to arrive, and after casual introductions he began the exam. After a few moments, he calmly stated, “I don’t like what I’m seeing. I’d like to do a biopsy.”  “Right now?” I asked anxiously. “Yes.” He replied. At this point, I began to get nervous. I had been through two non-conclusive biopsy procedures in the past and didn’t like the thought of having another. Even though the first one was over 20 years ago, it remained fresh in my memory as being traumatic and extremely painful. As my eyes began to fill with tears, the doctor gently patted my shoulder and assured me the procedure would be quick and simple. From the numbing shot to the clip of needed tissue, it took 3 minutes tops- quick and painless. Before I knew it, I was on my feet and had scheduled a return visit for the awaited test results.
As we left the office and walked silently to the car, my emotions began to swell. I suddenly felt like a ton of bricks had been dumped on me. “I…I don’t want to do this.” I choked. My husband, Robert, instantly put his arm around me and whispered with emotion, “It’ll be okay, we’re in this together.” In my clouded state, I suddenly realized how deeply this was affecting him, as well. As we sat in the car to leave, tears flowed. It was then I felt his hand gently wrap around mine, and he prayed.
The old song “His Eye is on the Sparrow” is one of my favorites.
When Jesus is my portion
My constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7
What comfort, what peace. As God’s eye peers on the sparrow, my constant Friend seeks us out intentionally…because the God of the universe absolutely adores you and me.
To be continued…

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Journey - Part 2

This past week has allowed a much needed increase in appetite, regaining of strength and weight gain. (You most likely would never hear me say the words “much needed weight gain” in the same sentence—but for this season, the gain was welcomed!) Round two of my chemo will begin Monday morning throughout the week. I covet your prayers—first and foremost for controlled nausea. Now that I have round one behind me, we (my awesome medical staff and I) have a better game plan. Yeah and amen!
Another blessing in disguise was the liberating feeling of getting my head shaved this past week. By last Thursday, it was inevitable--and it was time. My church family embraced my new look by dubbing today "Do Rag" Sunday. It was a great time of support and precious prayer. Here are only a few of my wonderful supporters.
Do Rag Sunday Supporters
 I continue to be humbled by so many that have touched me and my family through your kind words, cards, visits, meals and most importantly, your prayers. Someone once told me that when you are on the receiving end and at a loss for words, all that needs to be said is a sincere thank you. I pray this “Thank You” comes through as genuine as it is meant to be.
The following is a continuation of my testimony from last week’s post The Journey - Part 1:

Obedience to God is an interesting thing. Once you release your own will to Him, God does miraculous things.
Later that week, my girlfriend, “T”, stopped by my office. She mentioned she had been praying about starting a bible study. My friend knew Fridays happen to be my day off and wondered if I’d be interested in attending a small study in her home. No big commitment, just a sweet time in the Lord. I remember “T” saying, “Please don’t think I’m crazy, but God kept putting you on my heart this week.” All I could remember thinking was, Well, you can call me crazy, but isn’t that just like God to show His incredible love by answering my heart cry from just a few days earlier? With tears in my eyes, I began to share with my friend of how I’d been wrestling with God over some obedience issues, and just that week, had finally stopped struggling with God. He knew in my busyness I needed a break from leading the ladies study and through my obedience to Him, He provided a refreshing replacement by sending my friend in the office that day. God is so incredibly good.
Well, let me just say that during the time with "T" on Fridays God truly blessed my socks off. Many times it was just the two of us. Our God-ordained study quickly grew into sharing personal prayer requests with each other. One, in particular, was a family member of hers, “E”, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer. Not only did we pray for God’s divine healing in his body, but more importantly, fervent prayers were said for his unbelieving soul. As we prayed each week, God began a work that was miraculous beyond anything my mind could ever imagine. The events that began to unfold brought me to a point where I recognized God’s true sovereignty. What I wasn't aware of was how His sovereignty would be experienced on an even more personal level—my own life.
I marvel at how the God of the universe has plans for each of us individually. When we think we can do life without God, ultimately it will be an epic fail. But with God, all things are possible through a true relationship with Him.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
To be continued…